


Hiding my heart away

by Signe_chan



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 21:51:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2166453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint has angst. </p><p>Originally posted here - http://signechan.tumblr.com/post/92083372680/tumblr-ficlet-hiding-my-heart-away</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiding my heart away

"Thanks for this," Coulson said, like Clint had just handed in a mission report on time and not sucked his cock. He was already pristine, suit corrected and bland expression back on his face while Clint was still a mess on the floor of the supply closet and if that wasn’t a metaphor for their entire relationship Clint didn’t know what was.

"No problem," he said, though it was a problem. Phil nodded, business-like.

"I want that assessment on my desk within the hour."

"Can do," Clint said, though he had no intention of even looking at the file, let alone assessing the viability of the mission. Not right now, he just needed Coulson to leave. Apparently in supply closets wishes were magic as, with a nod, Coulson did just that and he was alone.

It always took him a little while to recover after their moments. Took him a little while to remind himself that, actually, he’d been the one who wanted it like this. He was the one who turned away from the first kiss and said it was better if they kept it professional.

He was having a professional affair with his direct supervisor on works time. Something about that sentence didn’t work.

He let himself sprawl back against the wall, nobody here to keep up pretenses with now. Nobody to impress, he’d given up on impressing himself years ago. If he wanted to impress himself he’d have to do something insane like tell Coulson he loved him and that, well, it was insane.

He knew he was fucking the guy. He knew it was messed up. He didn’t like to think about it.

At first, it had been almost a defense mechanism. He hadn’t thought about turning from that first kiss though he’d had time to think about it since. Whatever his handlers thought when they kept sending him to psyche he was a pretty introspective guy and he knew himself well.

He didn’t tell Phil he loved him becasue loving someone gave them power to hurt you. He knew that. He’d learnt it on his mother’s knee when she’d takes his whole-heated devotion and turned it aside. He’d learnt it from far too many people before it had finally stuck but he knew it now. You don’t expose your weak parts and love was a weak part.

He pretended he was like Natasha. Pretended he didn’t believe in love. Pretended it with the kind of passion that almost made it true but, well, the real truth was that he did believe in love. He believed he was in love with Phil and he believed he didn’t know how to stop it.

He wasn’t even sure he’d stop it if he could.

He knew he was being ridiculous, of course. The path he was on right now didn’t lead anywhere. He couldn’t go forward together with Coulson without exposing his heart and he couldn’t go forward without him without giving this bit up. He was trapped in this purgatory of his own making and it was almost as bad as hell. The only difference was he knew the way out if he was brave enough to take it.

He hoped some day soon he’d be brave enough to take it.

Until then he sat himself up, tucked himself back into his trousers and gathered the files Coulson had left for him. He needed to stop daydreaming, that never got him anywhere. He needed to let Phil knew what he thought about the Avengers Initiative.


End file.
